Copyright ©1999, Tracey Harnack. All rights reserved.  No part of this story may be re-posted in part or in full without written permission from me. It's characters are used without permission, no infringement is intended.
Disclaimer: Gene Roddenberry's Earth: Final Conflict is copyright 1998, Tribune Entertainment Co.
Rating: PG.
Title: In Your Eyes
Author: Tracy Harnack

In Your Eyes

My son?why must things be this way? Why must life be so complicated? I would give anything for the world to be just you and me, for you to have had the childhood that you deserved. You and I have both been cheated out of the lives we should have had.
I remember when you were born. I barely had time to register that I was pregnant before I was holding you in my arms. I remember the feel of your warm little body next to mine, my hand brushing against your ivory cheek, the feel of your soft, silken hair. But then it was over so soon. They took you from me.
They took you, and locked me in a cage of my own mind. I never got to see your first step, or hear your first word. You never lost a tooth, had a first day of school, or begged for a puppy. I never got to hold you close and warn away bad dreams. I never got to sing you the lullabies my mother sang me, nor tell you the stories of you heritage.
Your childhood was stolen from you by your parentage. You were whisked from non-existence into a place where the weight of the Universe rests on your young shoulders. You must make life and death decisions for the whole of humanity, when you know little of either, and are not really a part of the race you serve.
My handsome son, it hurts for me to work along side you. I see you, and I can do nothing. I cannot speak the words of love I know you need to hear. I cannot gather you into my arms when I see you in pain, or laugh with delight when you learn something new. I see you looking at me when you think I cannot see, your eyes begging for some sign of recognition that I have no way to give.
I watch you, when you are not looking, I am allowed that much at least. I see so much in you eyes, the eyes that are both far too young and far too old for the face they peer out of.
I see pain in your eyes. The pain of never quite being accepted by either of the races you serve. The pain of watching people die, when you can do nothing about it. The pain of being burdened by the knowledge of things that none of your peers can even hope to grasp. And the pain of knowing that you have to allow others to be hurt or even die for the greater good.
I see fear in your eyes. The fear of discovery. Of what would happen if it were found out who and what you really are. I see the way your hands clench into fists when you are frightened and confused, hiding the red mark of your special power and praying for it to go away. But it will not. The only choice it to wear the gift you have been given with pride, instead of shame.
I see longing in your eyes. Longing for a home, a family, a life far away from the dangers you face daily. You long for a parent, a teacher, someone to tell you what to do. I wish I could run to you and reassure you, but all I can do is pray that you will make it through just one more day.
I see uncertainty in your eyes. Are you making the right choices? When the fate of worlds rests in your hands, will you save them or condemn them? You have so little experience, and so many people depending on you. Oh God, why has this awesome task been foisted upon my baby boy?
I see loneliness in your eyes. The knowledge is heavy on you that you are alone in the Universe. The race that gave you birth has long since vanished from existence, and there is no one like you anywhere, nor will there ever be. You have no family. Your father is dead, your other father does not know you, and your mother seems to have forgotten you. Even so, you have not given up on me.
I see wisdom in your eyes. Great truths that you grasp, that others can only hope to someday understand. Wisdom of how to deal with people, lead them, put them at ease. My heart swells with pride because of you.
I see love in your eyes. Love even for those who have deserted you. Love for me, even though you can not know that I return it. It is the love that keeps me going in this trap I am forever stuck in.
You cannot know the things I go through each day. You know what they did to me, repressing my memories so that I don't know you, but you don't imagine that I, your mother, am still here, watching, loving, hoping, from a little corner of Siobhan's mind, so deeply hidden that nothing can ever find me. Despite all this, you still hope for some sign from me that I remember you, even though it would mean death for me.
I would rip out the CVI myself if it would do any good.
You don't see the tears I cry each night, tears that are the only way I can let out my sorrow and frustration. I do remember, I just can't show it. I try so hard, but my mind no longer has any control over my actions. I want to say I love you, but I can only ask about the status of your latest mission. When you stumble, I want to run to you and protect you, but all I can do is inquire as to your health. When you are under pressure and running scared, I want to wipe your brow and make everything all right, but I can only stare helplessly.
Oh Liam, you are my Protector, my helm of strength. I know you won't let anything happen to me, even if you think I have deserted you. You are my salvation, my redemption. I have done so many wrongs, wrongs that I couldn't stop or didn't understand. But by bringing you into the world, I have given a hope to the race that I serve and to the race I have hurt.
So you must be brave my son, as I am brave. I must face the things I have done and atone for them, somehow. And you must take on the crushing mantle of responsibility that has been given you. Your love keeps me alive, even when I long for death. It is the knowledge of that which allows me to continue in this hell I have been forced into.
I too have seen things not meant for human eyes, and know things not meant for human minds. Your father gave me freedom with the knowledge he left me, and your friends imprisoned me because they did not know. If I could just get out, I could make things right, I know it.
There is much I would tell you if I could. But most of all, I would simply hold you. I know that I will be called to trial eventually, and when that happens you will not leave me. My faithful child, what did I do to deserve you? How could someone who has been so horrible as I, receive such a precious gift? You are my sun and moon and all the stars in my sky.
My time draws near. My past is catching up with me, and I can't run from my mistakes much longer. I would not want to, if it weren't for you. Part of me begs for the blessed release from my pain and the memories of my sins that is death. But for your sake, I will keep running just a little longer.
Just hold on, Liam, and be true to who you are no matter the cost. I swear that no matter what happens, I will reach you before I die. You will know that I love you, and that you have brought joy into my life. Until then, we will both have to make do with stolen glances and vague questions from a memory not allowed to surface.