Farm Life
Liam wrinkled his nose at the old farm and looked uncertainly back at Da’an. “Are you sure this is the right place?” he asked, in a tone bordering on a whine.
Lili came up along side and smacked him on the chest. “Liam!” she hissed.
“What?” he shrugged.
“Yes, Major, I am quite certain this is the correct location,” Da’an spoke up, gracefully ignoring the bickering between the two.
Lili turned and flashed the Companion a blinding grin. “Well, I think it’s just lovely,” she said. “Very…quaint. Really.” Da’an looked pleased.
Liam took a deep breath and sigh. “Alright. Let’s go,” he said. “The sooner we check in, the sooner we can check out.”
Da’an shook his head. “Let us wait for Zo’or and Agent Sandoval.”
Lili glanced back at where the shuttle was parked, twenty or so meters away. “What’s taking them so long?” she wondered aloud. “Last I checked it wasn’t that challenging to—”
She was cut short as Sandoval hopped out of the shuttle and held out a hand for Zo’or, who swept haughtily past. Sandoval looked hurt, but fell into line behind his Companion. Da’an nodded his acknowledgement and began to lead the way towards the large farmhouse.
There was a conference just outside Denver that required Da’an and Zo’or’s presence, but there had not been enough room at the hotel for everyone. Saying he did not want to inconvenience any other attendees, and that he wished to understand the locals better, Da’an offered to stay at the bed & breakfast down the road.
Not to be outdone, Zo’or quickly agreed to also give up his room. Lili could tell that after one sight of the farm, he was reconsidering whether the appearance of being willing to bend over backwards for human comfort was really worth a weekend on a ranch.
“This place is not sanitary,” he commented. No one answered. Sandoval mopped his brow with his silk handkerchief.
“Those must be the proprietors,” Da’an said, motioning to the man and woman coming out of the house. Liam nodded and sprinted ahead to meet them.
“Liam Kincaid, Companion security,” he announced. “Da’an and Zo’or wish to stay here for the duration of the bio-medical conference.”
The man, fifties and in overalls, raised his eyebrows. “You mean them Taelons want to stay here? At our little place?”
Da’an, who had caught up with Liam nodded. “Yes. We were told that your farm was very historical, and that you rented accommodations to those wishing to have the experience of seeing a working farm. Was that in error?”
“No sir,” the man said, his weathered face breaking into a crooked grin. Zo’or and Sandoval wore mirror expressions of repulsion. “This here’s the oldest working farm in Colorado. We ain’t never shut down, not since my great-great grand pappy’s time. We’d be right honored to have you stay here, isn’t that right, honey?”
The plump woman standing next to him smiled benignly and nodded.
“This is excellent,” Da’an proclaimed, practically beaming. “What is the cost of four days lodging for five, and meals for three?”
The man named his price. Lili winced, but Da’an accepted before she could say anything. “Oh yeah. My name’s Jethro. Jethro Brown, but everyone calls me Jed. And this is my wife, Sally.” Sally smiled and nodded again.
“Jed?” Liam mouthed incredulously to Lili. She kicked him in the shin and stepped forward, wearing her brightest fake smile.
“I’m Lili Marquette,” she said, shaking Jed and Sally’s hands. “This is Da’an, Zo’or, Liam, and Agent Sandoval.” She motioned to each in turn. Jed nodded his greeting.
“You got a first name, Agent Sandoval?” he asked.
Sandoval glanced at Zo’or. No help there. “Ronald,” he snapped.
“Well, nice to meet ya, Ronny!” Jed said. “C’mon in and I’ll show you your rooms.” He started into the house.
“Coming, Ronny?” Liam asked with a goofy grin.
“Don’t push it, kid.” Sandoval growled, pushing past him. Liam shrugged and followed him inside. The house was very old, as evidenced by the low ceiling and doorways. Liam had to duck to get in the door. They went up a creaky staircase, into the second floor. Jed directed them to their rooms. The two Taelons shared one space, with Sandoval insisting upon sleeping in the adjoining sitting room.
Liam and Lili found themselves in another room. With one bed. Liam gulped and stuck his head into the hallway, where Da’an was plying Jed and Sally with questions about their way of life.
“Um, excuse me?” Liam spoke up.
“Yes, sonny?” Jed replied.
“Well, I noticed that you gave Lili and I the same room, and we…um…”
“There’s no need to thank me. It was the missus’ idea,” Jed said proudly, with a sly wink.
“We thank you for your consideration,” Lili put in. “But what he means to say is that we not…um married or anything like that.”
“It’s alright, dear,” Sally told her. “We’re very progressive about such things here.” She patted Lili’s hand reassuringly. “You two enjoy yourselves, you hear?” With that both she and Jed disappeared downstairs. Liam shrugged helplessly.
“Okay,” Lili said, very slowly, walking back into the room. “This is going to be very…”
“Interesting?” Liam offered.
“I was thinking more in the area of ‘awkward’.”
“Well, there’s that,” Liam admitted. “But we’re adults—” He scowled at Lili’s raised eyebrows but continued. “—and we can handle this. Besides, you’re practically related to me. It would be…wrong. You have nothing to worry about from me.”
Lili grunted and slammed her suitcase down on the bed rather forcefully. “Don’t flatter yourself. It’s not you I’m worried about,” she said, pushing past him to explore the tiny, old-fashioned washroom. “It’s Da’an.”
“Da’an?” Liam said, wrinkling his nose. “I don’t get it.”
Lili rolled her eyes. “If he thinks we two are…a couple, and word gets out that we’re…sleeping together…I’ll never get a date again!”
“But Lili,” Liam was astonished. “You don’t get dates now! Hey! Ow! What was that for?!” he cried, clutching his foot indignantly. Luckily for him, she didn’t answer but simply stormed out.
Lili was awakened in the middle of the night by the sensation of both freezing to death and being run over by a freight train. She found that she was stuffed into a space on the corner of the bed about the size of a breadbox, wearing only her nightclothes. The rest of the bed was occupied by a sprawling Kimera hybrid, who was kind enough to have taken both pillows and cocooned himself inextricably in the blankets.
He was also snoring louder than Lili had thought it possible for a human being to snore, sucking in great lungfuls of air through both nose and mouth with a grotesque phlegm-filled slurp, and then expressing it back out with a sort of gurgling, nails-on-the-blackboard like sound that made her shudder. If blue whales snored, Liam would have far surpassed any champion of theirs by light years.
Lili sat up and elbowed him in the ribs. No response other than the steady braying of his snorts. “No wonder he can’t get a woman,” she muttered to herself. Bracing herself against the edge of the bed, with one foot on Liam’s back, she managed to unroll him from some of the quilts. She then snatched back her pillow. “Better,” she said.
There was only the snoring left to deal with. She tried pinching his nose shut. It only got worse. She let go of his nose. It didn’t get better. She kicked him. Nothing. She shoved him off the bed. He hit the floor with a thump and a loud “oof”, but didn’t wake up. The snoring stopped.
“Ahh…” Lili sighed in pleasure at the silence. She arranged the covers comfortably about her and settled back with her on both pillows. She took three deep breaths and began to drift off to sleep—
“Heeeuagh—honkkkkk—sniiiiiaaaak. Heeeuagh—honkkkkk—sniiiiiaaaak.”
Lili sobbed and pulled the pillow over her head.
The next day they found out that the conference had been cancelled. “It would be a shame to have traveled so far to return so quickly,” Da’an said. “I wish to stay out our allotted time, here. It is rare that we get a chance to spend time with ordinary, every day human beings. We may learn much from these people.”
Zo’or, of course, objected, but there wasn’t much he could do about it, and he was too greedy to let Da’an have a chance at getting something the he wouldn’t. So they stayed.
It was hot the next day, and sunny. Lili slathered sunscreen on herself and Liam. Sandoval insisted on staying in his suit.
“Dearie, you’ll get heat exhaustion,” Sally warned. Sandoval only growled. She sort of sniffed at his rudeness, and offered sun hats to Da’an and Zo’or.
“I thank you for your kindness,” Da’an said graciously, donning the proffered hat.
Zo’or turned up his nose. “I do not require protection,” he said, spitting the last word.
“A real man, eh?” Jed said, slapping the Taelon on the back. Zo’or was shocked speechless.
The day was spent touring the farm. Jed showed the group some of the antiques from the farm’s history. One of the other buildings on the immense property contained, among many other treasures, a set of crock ware from the eighteenth century.
“Now you ‘uns be very careful in here. These things is priceless and if you break it, you gots to pay for it.”
They all nodded solemnly. Lili was intrigued by a fragile spinning wheel, as was Da’an. Zo’or looked bored and Sandoval seemed to be under the impression that something was waiting to attack from every corner. Liam poked at various nooks and crannies.
Suddenly, something flitted across his foot, causing him to jump back, crashing into the crock ware. He landed hard amidst the shattered fragments of the valuable dishes. “Uh oh,” he muttered. All sound had stopped. Everyone was staring at him.
“Um…there was a mouse?” he said weakly. Lili was the first to recover.
“You idiot!” she exclaimed, hoisting him to his feet by his ear.
“Owww! I’m sorry, okay?”
She let him go. “You were a afraid of a mouse?!”
“It was a big mouse,” Liam protested.
Lili made a sound of disgust, at which point, Da’an stepped in. “I apologize for my Protector’s unintentional destruction. We will, of course, pay whatever you deem necessary in recompense.”
Jed scratched his head. “Well, that’s right good of you, sir, but those dishes were priceless. We sure could use the money, but what we really need is work.” He turned a skeptical eye to Liam. “I gots some stuff that needs movin’ and some chores that need doin’. I ain’t as young as…some people here.”
Liam grunted as he heaved another hundred pound bag of fertilizer out of the loft of the barn. Jed had instructed him to move it all out. So far he had moved nearly eight bags, with twelve more to go.
Sighing, he pulled a new bag of the smelly stuff off the stack and wrestled it over to the opening. Just as he was about to pitch it off the side of the barn, Liam heard voices from below. Zo’or and Sandoval. Curious, Liam paused, hoping to catch some of their conversation. The laws of physics, however, had other ideas.
The hundred pound sack kept going, and Liam wasn’t able to stop it completely. He watched in horror as it caught on a nail on the side of the barn. He shouted a warning as the bag hung there in mid-air for two agonizing seconds.
Two seconds in which Lili and Da’an rounded the corner of the barn, Sandoval darted out of the way, and Zo’or merely looked up. Then the burlap of the sack tore, ripped apart by it’s own weight. One hundred pounds of cow manure tumbled out, floated down, and settled ignobly on the leader of the Taelon Synod.
As the dust settled, Liam peeked out shyly from his perch. Lili, Da’an, and Sandoval merely stared at Zo’or for a moment, disbelieving. Zo’or froze. And then he began to sputter, shaking with rage. His fit of apoplexy was almost more comic than the sight of him covered in cow dung. Lili and Sandoval looked at each other and exploded in laughter, collapsing against each other in hysterics.
Da’an merely looked at Zo’or, who was still searching for words, and said mildly, “I believe the suitable human expression for this situation is, ‘Oh shit’.”
Lili and Sandoval, who had been recovering, burst into another fit of uncontrollable giggling, quite unbecoming of Companion security. Liam tried very hard to keep quiet, but he failed, roaring with laughter. He stopped when Zo’or finally spotted him.
The Companion uttered a very old, very strong Taelon obscenity. Liam ran.
The next day was so hot that even Sandoval had to change into shorts. Lili whistled mock-appreciatively at his bare legs. He growled.
That afternoon she found him taking a siesta under the shade of a large willow tree. “Sandoval,” she whispered in a singsong voice.
He made a soft sound, but didn’t return to consciousness. “C’mon, Sandoval,” she said, shaking him gently. “Time to wake up…”
Sandoval rolled over on his side. “Yes, Mrs. Johnson, some more tea would be lovely,” he mumbled. “Another crumpet would be delightful. Absolutely smashing.”
Lili’s eyebrows climbed to her hairline. She kicked him carefully and he jerked awake. “Wha? Ungh…”
Lili shook her head. “It’s three p.m. Do you know where your Taelon is?”
They found Da’an standing in the center of a corral. He was surrounded by a dozen horses of varying colors, all standing in a perfect circle about him, nuzzling him adoringly. Da’an had this beatific smile on his face, as though he was speaking to them.
Sandoval and Lili looked at each other with expressions of surprise.
“Well, I’ll be…” Lili breathed.
Sandoval nodded. “Who knew?”
The last evening before they left, Lili went to call Liam in for dinner. He was outside, swinging ecstatically on the plank swing hung from a branch of the large tree.
“Look, Lili!” he called. “Isn’t this the most wonderful thing? I’m flying!”
Lili smiled indulgently. “Yes, that’s wonderful, Liam.”
He pumped his legs harder and harder as he swung higher and higher.
“Careful, Liam,” Lili warned. “If you go too high you can flip right over.”
“That’s just something parents tell their kids,” he scoffed. “You can’t flip over. Everything’s fine.”
Lili shrugged. “Can’t say I didn’t warn you. Anyway, it’s dinnertime. Come on in.” She turned and headed back towards the house. She was stopped by a shriek and spun back just in time to see the swing, with Liam attached, go up, up, up and over, catching on the next tree limb and then swinging back down until Liam and the swing hung upside down from the branch above.
Lili snorted with laughter at the sight of him hanging there, this pitiful frown of confusion upon his face, and his hair sticking out in all directions. “I hate to say I told you so…” she said, grinning.
Liam scowled. “Very funny. Help me down.”
“Why would I do that?” she asked innocently. “After all, people can’t actually flip over on swings.” She turned and headed for the house.
“Cute, Lili. Very cute. Now cut it out and help me down. Lili? Where are you going? Lili? LILLLLEEEEEE!!!”
“Well, that was an…educational trip,” Lili commented as they climbed into the shuttle. Jed and Sally stood waving on their porch like something out of Beverly Hillbillies.
“Yes, I agree. Educational,” Da’an repeated with an enigmatic smile.
Sandoval and Liam glanced at each other and harrumphed.
“Everybody ready?” Lili asked.
“Wait, Zo’or isn’t here!” Sandoval said suddenly.
“He is…on his way,” Da’an said. “He should be with us in a few moments.”
They waited in silence for about five minutes. Finally, Zo’or was heard climbing in the shuttle. He moved to his seat in the back, too quickly to be graceful.
Sandoval was the first to notice something was wrong. “Zo’or,” he said, faintly incredulous. “You’re…red!”
Lili and Liam twisted in their seats. Sure enough, the leader of the Synod was bright red. Red as a Maine lobster. Da’an reached out a hand carefully and brushed the side of Zo’or’s face ever so gently. Zo’or hissed and winced in pain.
“Sunburn?” Sandoval muttered to himself.
“Well,” said Lili lifting off. “I guess the sun is mightier than even the Taelons.”
“It would appear that is so, Captain,” Da’an agreed. “Perhaps we should consider all our lessons learned for the week, and return home.”
“I think that’s an excellent idea,” Lili said, jumping the shuttle to ID space. “I learned more than I think I wanted to.”
Everyone agreed.